This time two years ago I had so many emotions going through my mind not to mention about 25lbs heavier too. Obviously, Wilkins was definitely not planned but something I would never change. At this time two years ago I was absolutely miserable. I had already been on bed rest for a little over a month so I had a lot of time on my hands to think. Am I ready for this? Can I do this alone? Will I be a good mother? Why did this happen? How will I explain why she has no father? Will she understand? What is she going to miss out on because she has no father? Will I be enough for her?
All these questions going through my head just intensified all the feelings I was having. The funny thing is once she was placed in my arms and I heard that cry I realized that we will take it day by day, walking hand in hand, figuring it out together. I am not saying that I don't have any fears, questions, or anxiety about tomorrow because I do. I just know that for today I am going to enjoy it for what it is. I am going to be grateful that she happened to me whether planned or not, whether alone or not. God chose me to be this little girl's mother and for that I will live each day trying to be the best mother she could have. And when the day arrives that she asks about the lack of a father I know God will guide me through this hard conversation. He will help me explain things in a way that will not make her feel less loved. So as the years pass by this is the conversation I worry about more and more.
I don't feel sorry for myself because I am raising Wilkins alone or sorry for her. We are the lucky ones to have each other. I feel sorry for him. He is the one missing out on one amazing little girl. He is the one who missed out on her first bottle, first smile, first tooth, first birthday, first steps, first words, and so many more firsts. One day he might want to be a part of her life but that will be her choice because he walked away. He no longer has that choice.
Wilkins is going to grow up to be an amazing person with a big attitude and heart. I am a better person because of this amazing child that was given to me by God almost two years ago...